Kong: Skull Island
Rating: 4 stars
Director: Jordan Vogt-Roberts
Cast: Tom Hiddleston, Samuel L Jackson, John Goodman and Brie Larson
An imaginary script of a film where the cast and director of King Kong (2005) watch the new reboot, Kong: Skull Island.
INT. Evening. Multiple locations.
Peter Jackson makes a WhatsApp group called ex-Kong Renegades. He’s added Jack Black, Adrian Brody, Naomi Watts, Andy Serkis and Jamie Bell.
The WhatsApp group starts buzzing.
Peter Jackson: Ahoy lads and lassy! This is a WhatsApp group to coordinate a show of the new movie Kong: Skull Island. Let’s watch it together.
Jack Black: Why are you so interested? Are you like a producer or something?
Peter Jackson: No mate. I’m just excited. Let’s watch it.
Naomi Watts: Jack! Don’t be disrespectful. You know PJ loves the franchise. He’s been a Kong fan right from his Braindead days. He'd even recommended Guillermo del Toro to the folks at Legendary.
Peter Jackson: Awww. Thank you Nim. J-Man why you be so edgy mate. It’ll be a cool Kong reunion of sorts. We all can discuss so much. There would be so much nostalgia.
Adrian Brody: Yeah! We can reminisce the old days. Days of our glory. Just two years after I won the Oscar. The youngest man to win the award.
Jack Black: Hey Mr Narcissist. I see you haven’t lost your edge, yet.
Adrian Brody: Bro! You’re always on the edge aren’t you.
Andy Serkis: I’m already watching the movie right now. I'm Terry's plus one at the premiere.
Jack Black: Who's Terry? Crews? He’s my nigga too. Why didn’t he take me along?
Andy Serkis: Mate! Its Terry Notary. He basically does motion capture like me. He’s sort of my partner in crime.
Adrian Brody: Andy… its so sad that you’ve taken to a life of crime. Why didn’t you ever call me to get work. I’d have set you up.
Andy Serkis: Gosh! Adrian why don’t you get a drink.
Peter Jackson: Yadi yadi yada. Guys let’s fix a showtime.
Jamie Bell: Howdy guys. I’m in for whatever time and day PJ.
Peter Jackson: That’s my boy J2. Others please RSVP fast so I can block tickets on my iPhone 7 app. Let’s watch it at AMC Times Square. It’ll be so iconic.
Jamie Bell: PJ are you paying for the tickets?
Peter Jackson: Yeah, why not!
Naomi Watts: I’m in boys.
Adrian Brody: I’d love to be there. Anytime.
Andy Serkis: Heck, I’ll watch it again.
Jack Black: Bunch of losers. Erm. Sorry wrong window. I was talking about the Lakers to Michael Jordan. Anyhoo… I’m in for the movie too.
Peter Jackson: Yay! So counting Nim, J-Man, A-Train, J2, Andy Pandy and me, I’m booking 7 tickets for Sunday night. Be there or be square. No seriously. Don’t ditch me. Please!
EXT. Night. AMC Empire 25 sidewalk. New York Times Square.
Peter Jackson, Naomi Watts, Adrian Brody, Jack Black, Jamie Bell and Andy Serkis meet outside the theatre. They exchange greetings and head in together.
Theatre Usher: Good evening. May I see you tickets please.
Peter Jackson: Yes!
Peter hands the 7 tickets to the boy.
Theatre Usher: Y'all expecting one more guest?
Peter Jackson: No we’re all here.
Theatre Usher: These are 7 tickets. I see six people.
Peter Jackson: We’re seven! Right?
Naomi Watts walks over to collect the tickets from the Usher's hands. She bends over and politely says…
Naomi Watts: Honey, we'll be fine. Just show us to our seats.
Peter Jackson: Yes please. All 7 of us.
2 HOURS LATER
The group steps out of the theatre. Jackson looks ecstatic. Others have mixed reactions. They all head to a nearby café.
INT. Night. Starbucks Café.
They all sit down at a booth. The conversation starts.
Peter Jackson: Woah! How good was that movie.
Jack Black: Yeah man. It was totally dope. The sight of Kong against the crimson sun, towering like an inferno was bloody awesome. It reminded me of Kubrick's Full Metal Jacket.
Peter Jackson: Uhhh. I think you mean Spielberg’s Empire Of The Sun.
Jack Black: Nope I mean. Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now and Platoon.
Adrian Brody: Yes the action sequences, the chopper scenes and the whole platoon build up was very much like Predator.
Jack Black: Can you stop with your self centered appraisal. We all know you worked in a debacle called Predators.
Adrian Brody: I was genuinely talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Predator. The build up here reminded me of Alan Silvestri’s chilling BGM.
Andy Serkis: Blokes. I’ve seen the movie twice now and I seriously think we'd made a better film. We'd retained the original Cooper storyline from 1933 and even though our film went on for hours, we still had a cinematic epic. This one's more like a monster movie on acid.
Peter Jackson: Come on Andy Pandy. The new boy Jordan Vogt-Roberts has a slick style with direction. I think he’s taken a lot of these punk rock references and made a slick film. His movie is on speed, but its engaging, it’s a damn good action flick. Hell, it’s a fabulous monster movie.
Naomi Watts: I think Brie Larson didn’t have a good enough role. Mine was better.
Adrian Brody: Agreed. I like Tom Hiddleston, but he’s such a Loki actor. (Sniggers) Get it? Loki… low key… hahahahaha!
Andy Serkis: Oh brother!
Jack Black: Well they cast a fat man again. John Goodman’s lost weight but he’s still big. But they cast almost all characters from our film, including the big monkey.
Jamie Bell: Yeah, they even cast a kid who looks exactly the same as me.
Peter Jackson: Well, the new updated monsters were spectacular. Guys at Legendary have a real juicy Monsterverse proposition on their hands now. I can’t wait for the Godzilla and King Kong movies.
Jack Black: The skull crawlers were scarier than a James Wan movie ghost.
Peter Jackson: Yes, I must admit that they got their creature and monster designs bang on. Whether it was the giant spiders or the slithery skull crawlers, they just got the terror bang on.
Naomi Watts: I truly felt scared at times.
Jack Black: Talk about it. I almost peed my pants during the stare down between Samuel L Jackson and Kong. It was like watching an intense manga-inspired shot from Neon Genesis Angelion.
Andy Serkis: To be honest, I think big ‘ol Sam Jackson was being himself from any other Quentin Tarantino movie. The performance I enjoyed thoroughly was of my good friend John C Reilly as the lost World War II pilot. That’s was a nice touch.
Jamie Bell: You know guys, I thought John C Reilly would be the first one to die. I also thought that young black helicopter pilot would be smashed first. But I was surprised to see they didn't die.
Adrian Brody: Good on the writers and director to avoid the usual tropes of monster movies and bumping off smaller characters to create drama. The makers showed balls doing that.
They all sip on their respective drinks and nod.
INT. Legendary Studios office.
Peter Jackson and Jordan Vogt-Roberts are sitting in an office across the table from each other. They’re laughing.
Peter Jackson: (Laughing hysterically) I can't believe you made this film with just $185 million. 11 years ago, I took 200 million plus to make the same film with lesser stars.
Jordan Vogt-Roberts: Our film's a full hour shorter than yours.
Peter Jackson: Yes it is. It’s also less poetic and more straightforward. Y'all wasted time building it up, but once the bombs were dropped, the mayhem was crazy. Tell me, where did you get the idea of setting that fight in King Kong's parents' carcasses? That was crazy. It reminded me of my old Braindead days.
Jordan Vogt-Roberts: Thank you. It was just inspired from all my pop culture and cinema references. I tried to retain a sense of old Japanese monster movie mayhem and sort of marry it with a gritty war spectacle like Apocalypse Now.
Peter Jackson: Thank God you strayed from the formula in the end. It was beauty that you didn’t kill the beast.
Jordan Vogt-Roberts: Easter egg sir, Easter egg.